Stop Comparing Your Spouse to Others!

Certain aspects of life cannot be changed or manipulated. And one of them is the fact that there is – and will always be – someone better, wealthier, wiser or better looking than you. Invariably, it also goes without saying that the same reality also to your spouse. Someone else’s wife or husband will always appear better in many aspects in comparison to your own spouse.

 

But that simply is looking at the whole scenario from the wrong end of the kaleidoscope.

If we were disentangle our mind-set from the above negative perception and instead channel our thought process through the lenses of positivity; we may be pleasantly surprised to discover that we are also superior to other people in certain aspects: that our wives or husbands are also better off (more caring, better looking, less rude) in comparison to other peoples’ spouses’.

The problem however is that more often than not, our perception is clouded by the thinking that the grass is always greener on the other side. While it could be true that the grass is green on the other side, it may not always be so. Sometimes it will be green and other times it will be dry. Since we do not live there, we are misguided into thinking that it is always green. But, it is only the people who live on the supposedly green side of the fence who truly know the condition of that grass.

It is not uncommon to hear people complain about the shortcomings of their partners. Women are especially prone to this tendency of whining about how nice other people’s husbands, family and children are. This is not to imply that men are immune to such thought processes. They are just more reserved about it.

While it may be alright to wish your wife would be less nagging, prettier, a better cook, sexier or even slimmer, it is wrong to try to compare them with the wives of your friends. For you do not live with them and cannot therefore claim to know that they are less nagging. Couples tend to be well-behaved and in good terms in the presence of guests. You do not know what goes on in that house when you are away. And if they happen to be less nagging indeed, they may yet possess other less desirable attributes that only their husbands know of - attributes that you may find offensive if you were to trade places with the husband you envy.

It is no secret that most women wish their husbands would be more caring, romantic, considerate, nice, kind and helpful. From the offices to markets, salons and chamas, women have been heard lamenting bitterly – “other men get their food alone from the kitchen or are more helpful with the chores around the house, why can’t mine be like them?” Why can’t mine prepare his own food? Or why can’t mine be more sweet and pleasant? Why can’t mine be more tidy and responsible?

There is no denying that some men may be all that. But whilst they may be willing to get their own food from the kitchen, they may be abusive or disrespectful towards their wives. While they may love the family of their wives, they may also be unfaithful or physically abusive to their wives. And just because you saw him getting his own food from the kitchen or doing the dishes does not imply that it is always so. Or that he is that fine in every aspect. The bottom line is he could possess other traits that would repel you if you were to be his wife.

The truth is some of the worst marriages are those that look prettiest and nicer on the outside. Don’t judge and compare your relationship or spouse to other people’s relationships or spouses. Because they cannot be you, and their spouse cannot be the person yours is.

When the grass seems greener on the other side, it simply means its inhabitants are working tirelessly to keep it that way. It means they have discovered the secret behind maintaining that green lushness that everyone envies but are reluctant to work towards achieving. Grass does not just turn green on its own or dry up without a reason.

If your wife seems to be nagging all the time, you could be the cause of all that incessant nagging. Or if your husband does seem unkind and brash with you, maybe you are the cause of his rudeness. Constantly berating him or her to be more like other people will NEVER change them. It will only put them on the defensive making them more stubborn, resistant and unyielding. The truth is they were not like that when you met. So what could have changed them? Well, there is only one way of finding out. By talking to them nicely, like an adult; just the way you used to when you were dating.

But for the sake of the relationship, do not give them a dressing down or even bad-mouth them to your friends. Words have a tendency of spreading through the walls and should they get to hear what you think of them, your relationship will take a headlong plunge into the depths of tumultuous waters.

Without knowing it, we are responsible for moulding our partners. What we think about our partners, the way we see them, the words we say to them and how we act or behave towards them will ultimately determine how they respond to us. The underlying problem is that we all are aware of this. But we are always waiting for them to be the first to be nice and kind and do stuff to us. We do not want to be the ones to initiate or take lead. Then when they don’t, we start complaining that they don’t care about us while conveniently forgetting that we are also guilty of not doing the same to them.

As they say we all want to be loved, appreciated and cared about. But we are reluctant to do the same as we conveniently hide behind the lie that we will only care about them when they care about us.

My Money Syndrome: The Chasm of Selfishness Between Couples!

The story is told of Nathan who had an unwavering conviction that a husband should be solely responsible for all the financial needs of his family. His belief was so firm that he neither bothered to know his wife’s income or inquire how she spent her pay-check! Or at least that’s what he had his friends and workmates believe.

Among his colleagues, he was a figure of both admiration and bewilderment. His male friends looked at him with stupefaction every time he opened his mouth to let the world know about his belief. Somehow, he made them feel less responsible and unmanly even, in sharing financial responsibilities with their wives. To his female colleagues, Nathan was the quintessential man! They were green with envy of his wife. She must be the happiest woman, or so they thought. To have a husband who let them do as they pleased with their pay was appealing a prospect!

Similar to that of Nathan is the story of Martha. The trained nurse was also of the school of thought that it was the exclusive obligation of her husband to bear the financial burden of his family. That she was also earning was immaterial! Not only did she believe, she demanded of it of her husband. Any time she spent her ‘own’ penny to buy anything around the house; even food, she would demand for a refund from her husband as soon as he stepped through the door.

The prospect of having a husband meet all the financial obligations of the family seems enticing to some women. Many believe they would be a lot happier or love their husbands more if they had such arrangement.  As alluring as it may appear, it might not be rosy in the long run.

For starters, such arrangement undermines the basic purpose of marriage. I hold no special expertise in matters marriage. However, I know matrimony is a commitment to one another in companionship, with the aim of growing together spiritually, emotionally, physically and financially. A separate or individual financial arrangement thus negates the spirit of togetherness.

A fallacious female presupposition is that if a man meets all the financial obligations of the family alone, the couple would still make joint financial decisions on how his finances are spent. This is quite impractical. When a man does not expect or seek financial accountability from his wife, it would be irrational to expect him to be financially answerable to her in return. In an understanding like that, the message is clear; I do not ask how you spend your money, and so I don’t expect you to ask me how I spend mine!

- Money is supposed to be used to build marriage and family, not as a master. One way of doing this is handling money as partners, not as competitors -

No woman can ever feel truly happy when they do not participate in their family’s financial decision-making process. They would feel of left out, a feeling that is likely to fester into a sense of being unneeded. Think you can live with a person who seems not to need you? Think again! Quite logically, chances are the woman will start making her own secret financial arrangements. Then you end up with two people who do not necessarily need one another. What seemed appealing in the first place could be what breaks a couple.

In the long run, resentment crept in Martha’s marriage and they separated. By caving in to her demands, Mary ‘found’ her husband ‘malleable’ and ‘unmanly’. The husband himself felt like an ATM and never fought the divorce. This is a true story!

Marital experts posit that undertaking joint decisions and activities fosters togetherness and closeness in a couple. Making separate financial decisions therefore erodes this closeness that a couple is supposed to cultivate in order to nourish their union.

Basically, couples approach financial decision making in one of four ways; shared decisions, separate decisions, man-led decisions and woman-led decisions, with the first two being common.

Sharing financial responsibilities is beneficial in the long run. Studies have shown that couples who share financial decisions have been found to feel most satisfied with how they make financial decisions and most confident about achieving financial goals. On the flip side, couples who make separate decisions on finances argue most about money. Surveys have shown that money and money fights are the number one cause of divorce.

Money is a huge source of friction in marriages. As an innate an object as money is, we certainly attach great emotional significance to it. While growing up, we internalize different habitudes about money, hence the squabbles which are fairly normal.

Experts say financial disputes are usually the tip of the iceberg. Hidden underneath the surface most of the time is the real iceberg of selfishness! We all have our selfish streaks. If we had our own way, we would want to keep our money to ourselves. ‘Your money is our money and my money is mine’ expression is often coded selfishness. Mostly, we’re being selfish with our money without even realizing that we are. Money means different things to individuals. To some, it is security. It is also a source of control others. Some view it as a key for power or freedom.

But money certainly matters in relationships. Used appropriately, money can build a marriage. Wrong approach makes money a master of marriage. In the world of today, finance unfortunately is the soul of most relationships. We’re still deeply traditional; gender equity is mostly lip service.

The thinking that as the head of the house, a man is supposed to bear the burden of providing for the family alone is wrong. Our grandmothers and mothers never lazed about as our fathers and grandfathers toiled to provide. No ma'am! Sometimes, the womenfolk toiled even harder than their menfolk. And headship is not all about salary. It is about being the captain of a ship and working hard to steer it through the murky waters of life, even when one of the passengers (read wife) has an advantage (read better pay grade).