Of Doctors & Their Allergy to Bankers!!

Just before the ink could barely dry on the skeletal list of names of the four nominees to the Cabinet – out of the expected 18 nominees – fronted by the president and his deputy; and even before the plush chimneys of State House could billow out plumes of white smoke signalling the ‘eureka–ing’ of the seemingly elusive list of the remaining 14 nominees, doctors, through their professional body, rose up in arms – brandishing stethoscopes and catheters – to categorically state that under no circumstance do they intend to issue the presidents’ list of cabinet nominees a clean bill of health.

The genesis of this ill–health diagnosis by members of the Needle Wielders Association stems from the minor fact that the nominee to the Ministry of Health, one James Macharia, is not a stethoscope wielding mandarin thus incapable adorning himself up in a white dust coat to appear grandiose as the doctors themselves. You see, in the goofball estimation of the life savers, Macharia is a banker with a mathematical head for figures, figures and more figures, with no space for medical jargon; thereby rendering him devoid of the necessary expertise of dangling a stethoscope around his neck while poking the anatomy of a patient in an effort to fix a catheter. Apart from this, it is also a transgression on the part of Macharia that he does not possess the enviable art of scribbling some ineligible scrawls on a prescription pad. And this lack of ineligible handwriting, in the doctors’ judgment, renders Macharia incapable of managing the Health docket.

You see, having carried out a comprehensive medical investigation in a utopia of their own that culminated in a final diagnosis that the CEO of G4S must be a watchman while his KWS counterpart is a wild animal, and citing the personalized and haphazard management and running of health facilities at the hands of medics in a manner likely to suggest that such facilities are their personal kitchens and gardens, the good doctors have decided that only a Ben Carson protégé of this country is endowed with the prerequisite skills that would ensure continued entrenchment of the culture of poor service delivery, rampant absenteeism, general apathy to the plight of patients and a plethora of other  professional malpractices currently bedevilling the Health sector.

Now, if we are to conduct a mass brain transplant of the ordinary citizens so that we may adopt the clinical reasoning of the medics, and before other like-minded professional bodies, unions and organizations start voicing rejection of the rest of the nominees on such basis, let us attempt to patiently redistribute the cabinet slots in the manner prescribed by the docs in an endeavour to indulge their malarkey.

For starters, the Ministry of Transport and Infrastructure should automatically go to either a Makanga or a matatu driver. For it’s only a matatu driver and a tout who are intimately acquainted with practical day–to–day experiences of shuttling passengers and transporting goods on our accident prone road network while manoeuvring the snaking traffic snarl–up’s, gaping potholes and the ring–net of corrupt traffic coppers. I expect nothing short of an acute outburst of a cacophony of words laced with veiled boycott and mass protest threats from drivers and touts led by the belligerent Matatu Welfare Association head honchos. However, the infrastructure part could boggle the mind of an ordinary matatu driver so nominating the right tout with transport and construction skills is a quandary best left to H–Young, unless Jubilee opts for a Chinese driver cum tout.

It is also the reason why the Foreign Affairs Ministry should be headed by a foreigner who is more conversant with foreign matters that transpire in alien lands as opposed to a mere Kenyan whose knowledge bank does not transcend the national borders, let alone the East African territories. A foreigner is more likely to fluently and diplomatically hold conversations in foreign languages whereas a mere Kenyan would only manage a few broken foreign sentences mixed with his mother tongue under the guise of speaking Sheng – a stunted hybrid of a language that no any other alien would comprehend.

It will also be necessary to install a tourist at the Ministry of Commerce & Tourism. Doctor logic has it that it is only a tourist who has extensive knowledge and experience in the exploration of our local attraction sites by virtue of having literally spent all their holidays vacationing within the confines of our breath-taking sceneries as we plod through our dull lives completely oblivious to and ignorant of the plush heritage enveloping our immediate environ. The Commerce part of the docket requires that the said tourist must possess the acumen of a business magnate – at this juncture, the image of Arthur brothers as the suitable candidates imprints itself on the mind!

Before the vocal KNUT chairperson uses his oratorical skills in launching a verbal attack in calling for a countrywide teachers strike, the president should reconsider handing over the Ministry of Education to the chalk–breakers. It is only this clique of individuals who know a thing or two about filling up the blank and empty minds of pupils in an attempt to mould them into citizens capable of ascending to the post of cabinet secretaries if not the presidency. 

The Sports, Culture & the Arts ministry should not compound any worry as Kenya is ripe with athletes and sportsmen and women of great renown. With the likes of Dennis Oliech dribbling international soccer while David Rudisha sprints in Olympian marathons, this ministry has potential candidates galore. The only catch would be to find one with a mind for the arts and a stickler for culture and tradition.

For the Ministry of Defense, a gun–toting army commander will do. Not just any commander though. It must be a soldier with the heart of steel and the courage of a hundred Mara lions – a battle hardened individual with close combat experience obtained while engaging in the battle to actually defend the sovereignty of motherland. This is where KDF commandoes, credited with confidently marching into the hostile Somali land and casually blowing away the terroristic Al–Shabaab to smithereens. 

It goes without saying that controversial trade unionist; Dr. Francis Atwoli should by default inherit the Ministry of Labour, Social Security & Services. With unflinching penchant for letting loose cannons of words where workers plight is concerned, even the clinically sane doctors diseased with the strange malady that renders them allergic to bankers in specific and accountants in general, would give him a clean bill of health.

Finding a perfect fit for the Ministry of Agriculture, Livestock & Fisheries is likely to leave Kenyans languishing in a dilemma of Olympian proportions. It is the one docket that could precipitate a duel between humans and animals as both species jostle for the position. The fish from the shores of Lake Victoria may put up a spirited push for the crown; only to be put at a disadvantage by their inability to swim on land. Cows, goats and sheep may form a coalition of Livestock United to boost their bid for the docket but apart from their inability to walk on water, they may be accused of plotting to grace on all the maize in agricultural fields. At this juncture, fishermen from the lake are also bound to give their pastoral counterparts as well as serious farmers of the Rift Valley and Western provinces a run for this docket. A mongoloid with combined parentage from the three provinces would stand a good chance of being nominated.

For the newly minted Mining docket, we may be forced to import personnel with mining experience and skills from the South. If we are able to locate one Xuma from Peter Abraham’s novel, Mine Boy, then Kenya is likely to enrich herself from all the ores that have been hiding underneath her soil awaiting discovery. Forget one Najib Balala. Mining does not require soft, bespectacled handsome men. He has no mettle to venture in dark, long winding underground tunnels in the quest for mineral resources.

Ladies and gentlemen, in the spirit of consultation and thorough vetting process of intended nominees as require by the constitution, you may want to leave your internet connections running on this site; I’ll get back to you on the remaining list of nominees as soon as I’m through with the process.

Thank you!

Must We Return Kalonzo To Parliament?

The immediate former vice president Kalonzo Musyoka is likely to make a comeback in parliament if the latest political manoeuvring by Cord to prevail upon an elected member of parliament to resign in his favour succeeds. In this regard, does anyone else feel that there is something terribly askew with this unprecedented political gymnastic to sneak the former VP back into the August House or am I the only one ill-at-ease and queasy about the whole ploy?

A few questions are a constant bother to the mind and beg answering from this whole charade. For starters, what miraculous political feat is the former VP going to attain in parliament that no one else from the ranks of his Wiper party or the Cord coalition has the prerequisite competence and skills to achieve? On the flip side, what is it that is likely to go terribly awry in parliament in the absence of one Kalonzo Musyoka, to herald the latest political machination and blackmail?

Part of the plot includes prevailing upon a legitimately elected member of parliament, presumably from Kalonzo Musyokas’ backyard and preferably from his stronghold, to ‘willingly’ step aside thus creating room for a bye-election in which the VP is expected to contest. Another pregnant question that begs answering is this; has anyone bothered to feign some sort of concern to inquire from these constituents what their own thoughts, if not permission, are about the whole scheme or does it imply that the wishes of the electorate are no longer a matter of concern?

It vexes the mind a great deal when a voter braves the sizzling heat from the scorching sun and long snaking queues to participate in the process of electing a candidate they deem qualified enough to be given the mandate of articulating the issues of a constituency, only to have that democratic endeavor and choice rescinded at the behest of parochial party and individual interests; and not just rescinded but having to face the injustice of imposition of another individual the party deems fit to be in parliament. At this rate, was there really any need of conducting elections or even passing the new constitution which in no way provides a safe landing for a presidential candidate and his running mate?

Does it also mean that there exists in Kenya a certain clique of individuals who must be in parliament or what? And if this is the case, then why can’t we find a ‘safe landing’ for the likes of Martha Karua, Peter Kenneth, Musalia Mudavadi and their running mates? My take is that there are several able bodied men and women, both within and without the precincts of parliament capable of taking and playing any leadership roles in Kenya. What Cord is planning to undertake reeks of pure impunity and a blatant disregard of the common man.

In conclusion, we must tread carefully and with a lot of sobriety lest we find ourselves as a nation resolutely stuck in the miasma of political stagnation.

Save devolution, Mr. President!

Mr. President, that you have undoubtedly become the most frequent subject and recipient of an avalanche of letters penned and addressed to you both in the mainstream and social media platforms cannot be gainsaid. That many, if not all of those letters purporting to issue nuggets of leadership advice, express confidence in your leadership capabilities or even extol you to live up to your election promises and deliver us to the ‘promised land’ were totally unsolicited is also not in doubt.

The fact that you may or may not have had the opportunity to read those letters notwithstanding, allow me to also join the bandwagon of letter-writing enthusiasts inspired by the euphoria surrounding your twin victories – that of the presidential election and in the Supreme Court – and write to you another letter.

Allow me to start by humbly pointing out to you that this is not the first time you’re the subject of a letter drafted by me. The first letter I penned to you and your deputy president was during the frenzied election campaigns – a letter I’m certain you never got around to reading since you do not follow my little known blog. Suffice it is to say that it was not meant to spur you on in the political rat-race to secure occupancy of the most coveted seat in the country and the power trappings and privileges that come attached to it. Rather, it was a feeble attempt to add to the din of voices trying to point out the ‘unsuitability’ of you and your running mate to run for, let alone run, a public office due to the dense cloud of crimes against humanity charges at the ICC hanging over both your heads like the proverbial sword of Damocles.

Now that you have formally assumed the mantle of leadership of this country after surmounting monumental challenges and obstacles including the Supreme Court petition, the objective of addressing to you another letter – at the risk of going unread yet again – is inspired by matters not relating to your suitability to run for office. Rather, it is yet another shot at pointing out to you something you may wish to carry out as you embark on the daunting business of governing this country. It could the one thing in my two-cents worth opinion that is bound to contribute immensely to the quest to portray you as a genuine respecter of the rule of law and not some offspring of impunity.

Sir, during the course of the hearing of a petition filed at the Supreme Court by the Cord coalition and AFRiCOG challenging the validity of your declaration by the IEBC as the winner of the March 4^th presidential elections, you are on record as having publicly stated your intention to respect and abide by any ruling arrived at by the court of law. Fortunately for you, the six-judge bench made a ruling favourable to you by unanimously declaring you having been duly elected and declared the winner of the presidential duel in accordance with the country’s electoral laws.

Had the court ruling been against your election, i choose to give you the benefit of doubt, as opposed to many a doubting Thomas, and believe that you would have been gentleman enough to honour your pledge of respecting its decision no matter what. That the question still lingers on the minds of a section of Kenyans as to whether you would have respected or rejected the court ruling had it not favoured you is a matter as sure as the sun rises from the east and sets in the west.

An opportunity of a magnitude equal to that of the Supreme Court ruling therefore has serendipitously presented itself to you on a silver platter – an opportunity if well executed, would propel your credentials to the echelons of reform oriented leaders; in effect proving to your sceptics once and for all your commitment to the rule of law and constitutionalism.

Mr. President, on Friday, June 29 2012, the high court revoked an appointment of 47 county commissioners made by the immediate former president, ruling in effect that Kibaki had erred in the appointment of the commissioners as he had over looked several articles in the constitution. In other words, the appointments in question were a direct violation of the spirit of the new constitution. Nevertheless, in what many perceive as a blatant disregard of the rule of law and the constitution and a direct effort to undermine the authority of the judiciary, the county commissioners are still in office, upon the insistence of the office of the president – an office which is now synonymous with your name and whose streak of successes and burden of failures, inherited or otherwise, will be yours to savor or bear.

Sir, during your inauguration, your stance on devolution in particular was made crystal clear to the whole world in your speech. That lending support to devolution was not a choice but a duty; a constitutional duty at that! One that you swore an allegiance to uphold while affirming that our constitution does not in any way suggest devolution; it demanded it!

Having promised to abide by the Supreme Court ruling had it not panned in your favor, an opportunity that was ‘denied’ to you when the court upheld your election, and having publicly reiterated your support to the spirit of devolution, here is a golden opportunity to right an illegality perpetrated against devolution, the constitution and the law. An act of impunity that fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you choose to perceive it, is bound to either make or break your leadership record at the helm of the presidency. Sir, though it may sound such a cliché, choices have consequences. You can either opt to sweep the issue under the rug and remain allied to the godfathers of impunity while drawing the wrath of the ordinary Kenyan. Or you may choose to uphold the rule of law and constitution and reap the political benefits of remaining beholden to the electorate while drawing the ire of the lords of impunity. Whatever the case, I’m certain your advisors have their work cut out for them.

Finally on a light note Mr. President, my two year-old son, though not yet in class one to merit the promised laptop, is looking forward to receiving his gadget from you once he qualifies. As a fellow parent, I know you’re fully equipped with the knowledge of the implications of disappointing children, it brooks dissent. May you find adequate strength and wisdom in charting the destiny of this great Nation.