What Being Married Has Taught Me About Marriage!

As they say, experience is the best teacher. Having first-hand experience is more edifying that anything else! And so it goes that being married is actually more enlightening about marriage than all the things you heard about marriage while growing up.

I have been married for a solid eight years now. This is not to infer that I’m now an expert in this field. Not by a long shot. On the contrary, I still have a lot to be schooled about in marriage. But even though I’m still a student in this regard, I must say that being married has taught me a lot about marriage than all those things I used to just hear or see happening in marriages around me. And the lessons have been profound to say the least.

So, without further ado, here is a list of the lessons marriage has bequeathed on me.

1.       All Marriages Are Unique!

While growing up, my brothers and I witnessed what can be termed as a ‘bad’ marriage. Consequently, a general aversion to marriage was ingrained in us; somehow, we thought that our marriages too would end up the same. And it goes without saying that my elder brother took his sweet time in getting married. Who would want to take a headlong plunge into a union that would end up serving more misery than happiness anyway? Or a union that would disintegrate as soon as it was sealed? Nobody of course! But the moment the marriage bug bit and I found myself a suitable mate; things took a rather pleasant and unexpected turn. I discovered that my marriage was not necessarily destined to pan out like the unpleasant ones I witnessed. The big lesson? All marriages are as unique and different as the couples themselves. Just because you witnessed a failed or successful marriage does not necessarily mean yours too will succeed or fail.

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2.       Marriage is Worth the Time!

Today, if you put a gun to my head and ask me to choose between going back to my single life or blowing up my head, I will choose the latter. Without hesitation! Why? Because married life is far more rewarding than being single. Marriage has more perks [proven even by empirical studies]! Two is always better than one! In marriage, you get to cultivate and enjoy permanent and stable companionship. You get to wield more financial muscle by combining your earnings. Marriage gives you someone with whom to face all the gargantuan and miniature woes that life throws at you – a shoulder to lean on if you may. The intimacy and the sex that comes attached? Don’t get me started on those! There’s an emotional gratification that comes from sharing intimate moments with a constant lover than with some random fling!

3.       It requires Hard Work!

Spoiler alert! Just because marriage is fulfilling does not imply that it is a walk in the park. As they say, it is not a bed of roses. Marriage is hard work. Just like everything else worthwhile in life. One mistake that we often make as we venture into marriage is to expect it to work. Marriage does not just work on itself. You work on marriage! You give your marriage constant and intentional nourishment even as enjoy the benefits that come off of it. And sometimes your effort will go unrewarded or bear undesired outcome. Most of the time, it does pay well and you get to enjoy the fruits of your labour.

4.       You Will Hurt Your Spouse!

This is a given. You will definitely end up hurting your spouse one way or another. Take it from me. And most of the time, you will hurt them without really meaning to. Or without knowing you have. Other times, you will find yourself intentionally dishing out a little of the frozen dish of revenge for something they did. And of course, he/she will hurt you too. Love has a way of making you vulnerable to the words and actions of your loved ones. We’re all fallible – its human nature. You can never promise that you will never hurt your partner. That’s one of the promises that you won’t be able to keep. Funny that we should have the power to hurt the people we love the most. Which is why apology was invented in the first place - and you should be ready with plenty of them!

5.       You Will Fight Your Spouse!

There’s no two ways about this. Conflicts and disagreements are part of life. No two human beings can live under the same roof and fail to disagree. We’re so different in personality and upbringing that it would be impossible not to fight. Money! Sex! Parenting! In-laws! Friends! Habits! These are just some of the things you will fight about. Same way you fought with your siblings and parents, you will disagree and fight your spouse. You know what? It is very healthy! It is very normal! As a matter of fact, they say couples who argue or fight more often are a lot stronger than those who don’t. But guess what? It is what makes marriage interesting and keeps the flame burning. In this case, apology is the lock and forgiveness is the key!

6.       You Will Still Be Attracted To Other People [and be tempted to cheat]!

There are certain things that marriage cannot take away from you. One of them is your inherent tendency to get attracted to other people. Being in married does not mean your infatuation or lust will switch off. It does not make you immune or blind to the rest of the world. No matter how wonderful your relationship may be you will always find persons other than your spouse more appealing, sexy or humorous or more moneyed. It is important to note that your infatuation with someone else will eventually fade away. It is also important not to beat yourself about it; you’re simply human after all.  However, what you do with your infatuation, lust or crush, is what will make or break your marriage.

7.       Your Attitude Matters!

Male or female, we all have very negative attitudes towards the opposite gender as far as marriage is concerned. Both sexes believe that there are no more marriage material men and women out there and that marriage sucks. But once you get married, it is imperative to develop a new set of attitude and discard your old beliefs. You’re dealing with your husband or wife – not all the boys and girls out there. You have to start believing in the general goodness of marriage. But more importantly, you have to have faith in your partner. Marrying someone and having little faith in them or your marriage is self-defeatist. Focusing more on the good side of your spouse and marriage makes you look forward to being with them and staying in your marriage. The converse is also true.

8.       Goodness Begets Goodness!

This is so plain it requires no explanation. Most of the time, you do something good for your partner, they are likely to respond in kind. This is beneficial to your marriage. So it helps to constantly strive to do more good than bad in your relationship. Only a narcissist would reward kindness with wickedness. If most of your time is spent bombarding your partner with wickedness, be very certain they would be compelled to give you a taste of your medicine. And that will be after they stop caring about you.

9.       One of You Must Dumb Down!

For the general wellbeing of marriage, especially during conflicts, one of you must choose to be the bigger person and climb off their high horse. A marriage where both partners are always on the right or have a feeling of superiority will crack faster than it took the Mexican maize to land in Kenya. As they say in Swahili 'fahali wawili hawakai zizi moja!' You can not all be bull-headed in the house at the same time. It a recipe for disaster!

10.    The Small Things Matter!

Those things that may seem small or trivial have the biggest effect on marriage. The small things we do for or to our partners often make up for good or bad memories. If you’re waiting to impress your partner with those extravagant holidays and gifts, by all means wait. But in the meantime, commit to performing little acts of service. Do the small things. A word of caution, even the things that upset your spouse but may seem trivial to you have a way of brewing resentment in your partner.

11.    Your Spouse is Responsible For 90% of Your Happiness/Misery!

They say everyone is responsible for their own happiness; which is very true. But your spouse also has the ability to make you happy or to bring you misery in equal measure. Your happiness is hitched to your spouse. Their words or actions have the ability of giving your unrivaled happiness or untold misery. Try choosing to remain happy when your spouse is sad or offended and you will discover that just because the government subsidized the price of unga does not mean the Mexican maize flour will be available on the shelves in the supermarket.

12.    God is Everything!

Above all, a marriage without God is destined to fail. For God is the anchor of everything!Adding some form of spiritual strength in your marriage is worthwhile. Its a moral compass if you like.