What Being Married Has Taught Me About Marriage!

As they say, experience is the best teacher. Having first-hand experience is more edifying that anything else! And so it goes that being married is actually more enlightening about marriage than all the things you heard about marriage while growing up.

I have been married for a solid eight years now. This is not to infer that I’m now an expert in this field. Not by a long shot. On the contrary, I still have a lot to be schooled about in marriage. But even though I’m still a student in this regard, I must say that being married has taught me a lot about marriage than all those things I used to just hear or see happening in marriages around me. And the lessons have been profound to say the least.

So, without further ado, here is a list of the lessons marriage has bequeathed on me.

1.       All Marriages Are Unique!

While growing up, my brothers and I witnessed what can be termed as a ‘bad’ marriage. Consequently, a general aversion to marriage was ingrained in us; somehow, we thought that our marriages too would end up the same. And it goes without saying that my elder brother took his sweet time in getting married. Who would want to take a headlong plunge into a union that would end up serving more misery than happiness anyway? Or a union that would disintegrate as soon as it was sealed? Nobody of course! But the moment the marriage bug bit and I found myself a suitable mate; things took a rather pleasant and unexpected turn. I discovered that my marriage was not necessarily destined to pan out like the unpleasant ones I witnessed. The big lesson? All marriages are as unique and different as the couples themselves. Just because you witnessed a failed or successful marriage does not necessarily mean yours too will succeed or fail.

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2.       Marriage is Worth the Time!

Today, if you put a gun to my head and ask me to choose between going back to my single life or blowing up my head, I will choose the latter. Without hesitation! Why? Because married life is far more rewarding than being single. Marriage has more perks [proven even by empirical studies]! Two is always better than one! In marriage, you get to cultivate and enjoy permanent and stable companionship. You get to wield more financial muscle by combining your earnings. Marriage gives you someone with whom to face all the gargantuan and miniature woes that life throws at you – a shoulder to lean on if you may. The intimacy and the sex that comes attached? Don’t get me started on those! There’s an emotional gratification that comes from sharing intimate moments with a constant lover than with some random fling!

3.       It requires Hard Work!

Spoiler alert! Just because marriage is fulfilling does not imply that it is a walk in the park. As they say, it is not a bed of roses. Marriage is hard work. Just like everything else worthwhile in life. One mistake that we often make as we venture into marriage is to expect it to work. Marriage does not just work on itself. You work on marriage! You give your marriage constant and intentional nourishment even as enjoy the benefits that come off of it. And sometimes your effort will go unrewarded or bear undesired outcome. Most of the time, it does pay well and you get to enjoy the fruits of your labour.

4.       You Will Hurt Your Spouse!

This is a given. You will definitely end up hurting your spouse one way or another. Take it from me. And most of the time, you will hurt them without really meaning to. Or without knowing you have. Other times, you will find yourself intentionally dishing out a little of the frozen dish of revenge for something they did. And of course, he/she will hurt you too. Love has a way of making you vulnerable to the words and actions of your loved ones. We’re all fallible – its human nature. You can never promise that you will never hurt your partner. That’s one of the promises that you won’t be able to keep. Funny that we should have the power to hurt the people we love the most. Which is why apology was invented in the first place - and you should be ready with plenty of them!

5.       You Will Fight Your Spouse!

There’s no two ways about this. Conflicts and disagreements are part of life. No two human beings can live under the same roof and fail to disagree. We’re so different in personality and upbringing that it would be impossible not to fight. Money! Sex! Parenting! In-laws! Friends! Habits! These are just some of the things you will fight about. Same way you fought with your siblings and parents, you will disagree and fight your spouse. You know what? It is very healthy! It is very normal! As a matter of fact, they say couples who argue or fight more often are a lot stronger than those who don’t. But guess what? It is what makes marriage interesting and keeps the flame burning. In this case, apology is the lock and forgiveness is the key!

6.       You Will Still Be Attracted To Other People [and be tempted to cheat]!

There are certain things that marriage cannot take away from you. One of them is your inherent tendency to get attracted to other people. Being in married does not mean your infatuation or lust will switch off. It does not make you immune or blind to the rest of the world. No matter how wonderful your relationship may be you will always find persons other than your spouse more appealing, sexy or humorous or more moneyed. It is important to note that your infatuation with someone else will eventually fade away. It is also important not to beat yourself about it; you’re simply human after all.  However, what you do with your infatuation, lust or crush, is what will make or break your marriage.

7.       Your Attitude Matters!

Male or female, we all have very negative attitudes towards the opposite gender as far as marriage is concerned. Both sexes believe that there are no more marriage material men and women out there and that marriage sucks. But once you get married, it is imperative to develop a new set of attitude and discard your old beliefs. You’re dealing with your husband or wife – not all the boys and girls out there. You have to start believing in the general goodness of marriage. But more importantly, you have to have faith in your partner. Marrying someone and having little faith in them or your marriage is self-defeatist. Focusing more on the good side of your spouse and marriage makes you look forward to being with them and staying in your marriage. The converse is also true.

8.       Goodness Begets Goodness!

This is so plain it requires no explanation. Most of the time, you do something good for your partner, they are likely to respond in kind. This is beneficial to your marriage. So it helps to constantly strive to do more good than bad in your relationship. Only a narcissist would reward kindness with wickedness. If most of your time is spent bombarding your partner with wickedness, be very certain they would be compelled to give you a taste of your medicine. And that will be after they stop caring about you.

9.       One of You Must Dumb Down!

For the general wellbeing of marriage, especially during conflicts, one of you must choose to be the bigger person and climb off their high horse. A marriage where both partners are always on the right or have a feeling of superiority will crack faster than it took the Mexican maize to land in Kenya. As they say in Swahili 'fahali wawili hawakai zizi moja!' You can not all be bull-headed in the house at the same time. It a recipe for disaster!

10.    The Small Things Matter!

Those things that may seem small or trivial have the biggest effect on marriage. The small things we do for or to our partners often make up for good or bad memories. If you’re waiting to impress your partner with those extravagant holidays and gifts, by all means wait. But in the meantime, commit to performing little acts of service. Do the small things. A word of caution, even the things that upset your spouse but may seem trivial to you have a way of brewing resentment in your partner.

11.    Your Spouse is Responsible For 90% of Your Happiness/Misery!

They say everyone is responsible for their own happiness; which is very true. But your spouse also has the ability to make you happy or to bring you misery in equal measure. Your happiness is hitched to your spouse. Their words or actions have the ability of giving your unrivaled happiness or untold misery. Try choosing to remain happy when your spouse is sad or offended and you will discover that just because the government subsidized the price of unga does not mean the Mexican maize flour will be available on the shelves in the supermarket.

12.    God is Everything!

Above all, a marriage without God is destined to fail. For God is the anchor of everything!Adding some form of spiritual strength in your marriage is worthwhile. Its a moral compass if you like.

Father Or Dad: What’s The Difference?

As quiet and as undramatic as it always is, Father’s Day came and went without much fanfare. Like most men, I did not wish any of the numerous fathers and father figures I know a Happy Father’s Day! Hell, I didn’t even take the time off my not-so-busy schedule to recognize my own old man on the day that [great] fathers are supposed to be celebrated.

 
This should not be taken to mean that my father is any less of a man. If you were hoping for a heart-wrenching sob story of how my father was a perpetual drunk and a wife-kiang’owa-go, my ‘fren’ you will wait longer than the Zimbabweans have waited for Mugabe to die! Otiu II is a King in capital letters! The wife-snatching, husband-killing SOB they call King David in the Bible does not even come close! My father deserves acres and acres of praise and recognition; I doubt if the acres of land grabbed by one Arap Sigh would adequately accommodate the narrative of his accomplishments. But I digress!

It comes as no surprise at all that I too did not receive much in the form of gifts or recognition on the day that some fathers are celebrated [mostly on the social media] while others are admonished for allegedly skipping town after donating sperm. OK, I would be lying through the teeth to say I was not recognized. A couple of messages from two friends - one, a father himself – and a great one at that – simply stated “Happy Father’s Day” and another from a female friend said "Happy fathers day, Matokeo" - why she calls me Matokeo is an enigma bigger than Raila.

Now, does it imply that the fathers who received no recognition are ‘bad’ fathers? Well, I don’t know! Ask their wives and children. Better yet, ask the MWKs (Mpango Wa Kawaida) if the wives are not forthcoming!

“Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad!”

Meanwhile there’s this quote about fatherhood that is very common among misguided souls with daddy hangovers who think that there’s supposed to be a difference in meaning between the word ‘father’ and ‘dad,’ – well I’m sorry to say this; you’re dead wrong! Err, you may not be actually dead, but you're still wrong!

Let us dissect the word father. According to those good folks who manufacture English at Oxford, father as a noun means ‘a male parent of a child or an animal or a person who is acting as the father to a child’ while as a verb, it means ‘to become the father of a child by making a woman pregnant’. How about ‘dad’? The same English minting fellows from Oxford define the word dad simply as father! In other words, father is dad and dad is father! It matters little if they donated sperm and did a runner or stayed around to perform their parental roles; they are still father or dad!

As alien as the English word is to some of us, it does not require Willis the Word Master to tell you that saying “anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad” is the same as saying “anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a father” or “anyone can be a dad, but it takes someone special to be a dad!”

Just because one is imbued with affectionate feelings or drunk in love with their male parent and uses the title ‘dad’ does not mean it has a different meaning from the word father. While some people find the title ‘dad’ to be very endearing, others equally find ‘father’ lovable as well! For example, where I come from, dad is an outlandish title. We just call my old man baba or any such endearing nicknames like ‘jaduong’ or ‘ondiek’ – titles that would make others arch their eyebrows.

And perhaps to show you how asinine the feminist quote above is, try this for a change; “Anyone can be a mother, but it takes someone special to be a mom!”

Over and Out!