Stop Comparing Your Spouse to Others!

Certain aspects of life cannot be changed or manipulated. And one of them is the fact that there is – and will always be – someone better, wealthier, wiser or better looking than you. Invariably, it also goes without saying that the same reality also to your spouse. Someone else’s wife or husband will always appear better in many aspects in comparison to your own spouse.

 

But that simply is looking at the whole scenario from the wrong end of the kaleidoscope.

If we were disentangle our mind-set from the above negative perception and instead channel our thought process through the lenses of positivity; we may be pleasantly surprised to discover that we are also superior to other people in certain aspects: that our wives or husbands are also better off (more caring, better looking, less rude) in comparison to other peoples’ spouses’.

The problem however is that more often than not, our perception is clouded by the thinking that the grass is always greener on the other side. While it could be true that the grass is green on the other side, it may not always be so. Sometimes it will be green and other times it will be dry. Since we do not live there, we are misguided into thinking that it is always green. But, it is only the people who live on the supposedly green side of the fence who truly know the condition of that grass.

It is not uncommon to hear people complain about the shortcomings of their partners. Women are especially prone to this tendency of whining about how nice other people’s husbands, family and children are. This is not to imply that men are immune to such thought processes. They are just more reserved about it.

While it may be alright to wish your wife would be less nagging, prettier, a better cook, sexier or even slimmer, it is wrong to try to compare them with the wives of your friends. For you do not live with them and cannot therefore claim to know that they are less nagging. Couples tend to be well-behaved and in good terms in the presence of guests. You do not know what goes on in that house when you are away. And if they happen to be less nagging indeed, they may yet possess other less desirable attributes that only their husbands know of - attributes that you may find offensive if you were to trade places with the husband you envy.

It is no secret that most women wish their husbands would be more caring, romantic, considerate, nice, kind and helpful. From the offices to markets, salons and chamas, women have been heard lamenting bitterly – “other men get their food alone from the kitchen or are more helpful with the chores around the house, why can’t mine be like them?” Why can’t mine prepare his own food? Or why can’t mine be more sweet and pleasant? Why can’t mine be more tidy and responsible?

There is no denying that some men may be all that. But whilst they may be willing to get their own food from the kitchen, they may be abusive or disrespectful towards their wives. While they may love the family of their wives, they may also be unfaithful or physically abusive to their wives. And just because you saw him getting his own food from the kitchen or doing the dishes does not imply that it is always so. Or that he is that fine in every aspect. The bottom line is he could possess other traits that would repel you if you were to be his wife.

The truth is some of the worst marriages are those that look prettiest and nicer on the outside. Don’t judge and compare your relationship or spouse to other people’s relationships or spouses. Because they cannot be you, and their spouse cannot be the person yours is.

When the grass seems greener on the other side, it simply means its inhabitants are working tirelessly to keep it that way. It means they have discovered the secret behind maintaining that green lushness that everyone envies but are reluctant to work towards achieving. Grass does not just turn green on its own or dry up without a reason.

If your wife seems to be nagging all the time, you could be the cause of all that incessant nagging. Or if your husband does seem unkind and brash with you, maybe you are the cause of his rudeness. Constantly berating him or her to be more like other people will NEVER change them. It will only put them on the defensive making them more stubborn, resistant and unyielding. The truth is they were not like that when you met. So what could have changed them? Well, there is only one way of finding out. By talking to them nicely, like an adult; just the way you used to when you were dating.

But for the sake of the relationship, do not give them a dressing down or even bad-mouth them to your friends. Words have a tendency of spreading through the walls and should they get to hear what you think of them, your relationship will take a headlong plunge into the depths of tumultuous waters.

Without knowing it, we are responsible for moulding our partners. What we think about our partners, the way we see them, the words we say to them and how we act or behave towards them will ultimately determine how they respond to us. The underlying problem is that we all are aware of this. But we are always waiting for them to be the first to be nice and kind and do stuff to us. We do not want to be the ones to initiate or take lead. Then when they don’t, we start complaining that they don’t care about us while conveniently forgetting that we are also guilty of not doing the same to them.

As they say we all want to be loved, appreciated and cared about. But we are reluctant to do the same as we conveniently hide behind the lie that we will only care about them when they care about us.

My Money Syndrome: The Chasm of Selfishness Between Couples!

The story is told of Nathan who had an unwavering conviction that a husband should be solely responsible for all the financial needs of his family. His belief was so firm that he neither bothered to know his wife’s income or inquire how she spent her pay-check! Or at least that’s what he had his friends and workmates believe.

Among his colleagues, he was a figure of both admiration and bewilderment. His male friends looked at him with stupefaction every time he opened his mouth to let the world know about his belief. Somehow, he made them feel less responsible and unmanly even, in sharing financial responsibilities with their wives. To his female colleagues, Nathan was the quintessential man! They were green with envy of his wife. She must be the happiest woman, or so they thought. To have a husband who let them do as they pleased with their pay was appealing a prospect!

Similar to that of Nathan is the story of Martha. The trained nurse was also of the school of thought that it was the exclusive obligation of her husband to bear the financial burden of his family. That she was also earning was immaterial! Not only did she believe, she demanded of it of her husband. Any time she spent her ‘own’ penny to buy anything around the house; even food, she would demand for a refund from her husband as soon as he stepped through the door.

The prospect of having a husband meet all the financial obligations of the family seems enticing to some women. Many believe they would be a lot happier or love their husbands more if they had such arrangement.  As alluring as it may appear, it might not be rosy in the long run.

For starters, such arrangement undermines the basic purpose of marriage. I hold no special expertise in matters marriage. However, I know matrimony is a commitment to one another in companionship, with the aim of growing together spiritually, emotionally, physically and financially. A separate or individual financial arrangement thus negates the spirit of togetherness.

A fallacious female presupposition is that if a man meets all the financial obligations of the family alone, the couple would still make joint financial decisions on how his finances are spent. This is quite impractical. When a man does not expect or seek financial accountability from his wife, it would be irrational to expect him to be financially answerable to her in return. In an understanding like that, the message is clear; I do not ask how you spend your money, and so I don’t expect you to ask me how I spend mine!

- Money is supposed to be used to build marriage and family, not as a master. One way of doing this is handling money as partners, not as competitors -

No woman can ever feel truly happy when they do not participate in their family’s financial decision-making process. They would feel of left out, a feeling that is likely to fester into a sense of being unneeded. Think you can live with a person who seems not to need you? Think again! Quite logically, chances are the woman will start making her own secret financial arrangements. Then you end up with two people who do not necessarily need one another. What seemed appealing in the first place could be what breaks a couple.

In the long run, resentment crept in Martha’s marriage and they separated. By caving in to her demands, Mary ‘found’ her husband ‘malleable’ and ‘unmanly’. The husband himself felt like an ATM and never fought the divorce. This is a true story!

Marital experts posit that undertaking joint decisions and activities fosters togetherness and closeness in a couple. Making separate financial decisions therefore erodes this closeness that a couple is supposed to cultivate in order to nourish their union.

Basically, couples approach financial decision making in one of four ways; shared decisions, separate decisions, man-led decisions and woman-led decisions, with the first two being common.

Sharing financial responsibilities is beneficial in the long run. Studies have shown that couples who share financial decisions have been found to feel most satisfied with how they make financial decisions and most confident about achieving financial goals. On the flip side, couples who make separate decisions on finances argue most about money. Surveys have shown that money and money fights are the number one cause of divorce.

Money is a huge source of friction in marriages. As an innate an object as money is, we certainly attach great emotional significance to it. While growing up, we internalize different habitudes about money, hence the squabbles which are fairly normal.

Experts say financial disputes are usually the tip of the iceberg. Hidden underneath the surface most of the time is the real iceberg of selfishness! We all have our selfish streaks. If we had our own way, we would want to keep our money to ourselves. ‘Your money is our money and my money is mine’ expression is often coded selfishness. Mostly, we’re being selfish with our money without even realizing that we are. Money means different things to individuals. To some, it is security. It is also a source of control others. Some view it as a key for power or freedom.

But money certainly matters in relationships. Used appropriately, money can build a marriage. Wrong approach makes money a master of marriage. In the world of today, finance unfortunately is the soul of most relationships. We’re still deeply traditional; gender equity is mostly lip service.

The thinking that as the head of the house, a man is supposed to bear the burden of providing for the family alone is wrong. Our grandmothers and mothers never lazed about as our fathers and grandfathers toiled to provide. No ma'am! Sometimes, the womenfolk toiled even harder than their menfolk. And headship is not all about salary. It is about being the captain of a ship and working hard to steer it through the murky waters of life, even when one of the passengers (read wife) has an advantage (read better pay grade).

Who’s the best bet for Homa Bay Governorship in 2017?

With the beginning of the first phase of mass voter registration on 15^th February by the Independent Electoral and Boundaries Commission, the usual Kenyan political game of musical chairs in readiness for the 2017 general elections are about to begin in earnest. Kenyans are about to be treated to yet another theater of the absurd as whimsical defections and decamping, re-branding, alignments and realignments occur. Politicians who have hitherto been arch-rivals are about to make strange bedfellows and brand themselves the ‘new’ agents of change. New here simply means recycled!

 

Like everywhere else, the lakeside county of Homa Bay has seen, and will see characters ‘swallow saliva’ for the county’s top political seat with the gluttony akin to that of the hyena. Before the tempos reach fever pitch in the kitchen of politics, allow me to attempt a sneak peek into the cassocks of the folks who have, or are likely to develop a craving for the gubernatorial seat of Homa Bay County.

Cyprian Awiti

Cyprian Awiti

Straight away, I will take a shot at the incumbent, lest I be found guilty breaching matters protocol. Akuba deserves the first mention, don’t you know that ‘rabolo idho tek?’ Having savoured the strappings of money, power and privileges that come appended, training Omieri the snake to speak would be a lot easier than convincing JaMawego to bow out of the race!

Whenever Akuba sways and swivels on his expensive leather seat in his office, he should know that like most residents, I put him there. I voted for him even before laying eyes on him. Ber koso ok ber!? So hold your vile tongue before accusing me of ‘beating’ Awiti. If you do, I could sue you for libel or something. I, too, have my team of expensive non-existent lawyers you know!

Back in 2013, Cyprian Awiti was the new synonym for jagedo – the ‘builder’ or engineer if you like. Straight from the echelons of an international NGO, most of us naively believed he would live up to this title. But alas! Two years into his tenure, the synonym changed from jagedo to Mr. Launcher!

For reasons that are only known to him, like Mbuta takes to the fresh waters of Lake Victoria, the ‘builder’ took to merely launching multi-million projects without bothering to follow through with their implementation. Donated ambulances are launched! Donated equipment is launched! Even new employees get launched! I mean, the national government, the private sector and the NGOs employ new personnel all the time, but we never see them ‘launch’ new recruits!

While the industrious are laying good foundations, Awiti seems content to belong to the Extraordinary League of Governors (in)famous for purchasing ‘non-carcinogenic wheelbarrows’ at mindboggling prices, building gates ‘worth’ 7 million shillings, contracting the opening of Facebook accounts at 2 million shillings and renovating a single building at 40 million shillings!

I hear they also say his sleep is too precious to be ‘slept’ (is that English?) in Homa Bay and (like a boy with no simba) he has to commute daily - at the tax-payers’ expense - to ‘chase’ sleep in Kisumu. But that’s them saying, not me! So don’t put words in my mouth.

To be fair though, if you chance upon street lights painted white, yellow, green and blue in Homa Bay, credit them to his name! Also, if you see farming tractors, originally intended for farmers in each sub county, but now literally monopolized by well-connected entities, tribute those to his name too.

To stop myself from mentioning the many phantom (or are they white elephant?) projects, I will end there. Now, the only headache between Jamawego and re-election is the ODM nomination certificate. If he secures that, he’s home free for a second term!

Phillip Okundi

Phillip Okundi

Not much has been politically heard about this man ever since suffering a resounding defeat in the Homa Bay Senatorial by-election in the county. But that was to be expected. Most voters in this region are yet to develop an open mind about electing a candidate who does not religiously invoke the name of ODM and Raila. I do not know if Okundi is still interested in this seat. But, you never know with these politicians! They refuse to retire from politics even when they’re repeatedly trounced! But even if he does, I think the old geezer lacks the vibrancy and spirit of youthfulness to lead this beautiful county. However, that should not deter you from voting for him; old age comes with wisdom which is good for leadership.

Enosh Bolo

Enosh Bolo

I do not know much about this gentleman. No scratch that! I do not know anything about him at all. So I may not be much of an encyclopaedia on him. Not now anyway. Later, I might get a chance meeting and know him, who knows? But, I hear he is a resident of Kanyada. Not that his area of locality matters! When you know zilch about someone, you cover it up with things as trivial as gik ma kamago! Kwani what do you expect me to write about him?

My not knowing him however may yet be his downfall in his quest to govern Homa Bay. And, that there is a call to his PR handlers to up their publicity game. Please tell them not to feel insulted; I’m giving them free advice and their candidate free publicity! I’m generous like that! Meanwhile, like most politicians, this guy is ‘digital’ enough to scrounge some form of social media presence. His Facebook profile boasts of quite a colorful education and professional backgrounds. OK, I have run out of things to say about Bolo!

Oyugi Magwanga

Oyugi Joseph Magwanga

And here comes the man who has been a lawmaker for Kasipul Kabondo constituency since 2007. If his enthusiastic Facebook fans are to be believed, he is also salivating for the gubernatorial seat. Somewhat, the legislator comes with uniquely envious track record. The National Board of Constituency Development Fund (CDF) named him among the top three Members of Parliament with the best implementation, management and accountability of the development funds allocated to them in 2014/2015 financial year. Now, that is a no-mean feat to achieve; especially by an MP from the Luo Nyanza region. But he did it!

That out of the 290 parliamentarians, Magwanga chose to utilize his CDF allocations not only prudently but accountably as well is something worth writing about. With the propensity to mismanage CDF funds for personal gains synonymous with Kenyan politicians, renowned singer Emma Jalamo and Lady Maureen should collaborate on a song to crown Magwanga’s audacity to develop his constituency rather than fatten his own pot-belly!

Knowing the people of Homa Bay, I will say this cautiously, almost in a whisper; Magwanga is a good bet! However, in a region where sycophancy overshadows the need for issue-based politics, only a handful will actually care about his development mindedness. Not to worry though, he can as well chorus ‘Raila-ODM’ song and get elected.

Sam Wakiaga

Wakiaga Sam

Here is a guy who has always piqued my interest. With an uncanny ability of making sure his name does not appear on the ballot papers, one would think he has an allergy to the ballot box. They say he is always a threat before the actual elections. His image however fails to appear on the ballot papers in the last minute. Now, why would he do that – raise our hopes higher than Got Asego only to magically disappear at the last minute?

Now I hear he is the one to dislodge Awiti from power. Mara they say he is also dripping saliva for the Senatorial seat of Homa Bay. How he has the stomach to swallow two saliva(s) when his name may not end up on the ballot papers is an enigma only bang smokers can unravel! But, do not write him off yet, they say he has deep pockets and can sponsor and sustain the entire ODM campaign. Again, that’s what they, not me, say!

Fred Rabong'o

And lastly, there is my good friend Fred Rabong’o. Don’t take my word for it; the guy does not know my name, let alone being friends with me! Our friendship is more of me voting for him in the last Homa Bay Senatorial by-elections. Which he – not we - lost! Terribly! I say he lost because he wanted to be a senator, which he did not, while I voted for him (my candidate of choice) and so I won! But well, what can we say? Kama sio yako, sio yako, hata na bangi!

I hope in his new quest, he does not repeat the same gaffe he did on national television. During the campaign periods, he maintained an issue-based and non-personal approach to politics. Later, in a debate aired on television, he ganged up with other aspirants in attacking the then ODM candidate! While the ODM candidate surprisingly maintained his cool and intelligently answered questions directed at him, Rabongo lost his usual cool and gabbled some gibberish. Maybe it was the TV cameras. They could’ve given him the hibby jibbies! Nonetheless, he’s a well-articulated guy!

Contentment and Happiness are bossom budies

Contentment is the beginning of true happiness and love

If only mankind could focus more on what they HAVE, that others do not have, rather than putting more emphasis on what others own that they DON'T have, life as we know it, would be different. There would be contentment. And contentment is the beginning of happiness and ultimately LOVE.

The folly is in our perception that our colleagues, friends, relatives and total strangers have better careers, better homes, prettier wives, good children and loving families. While on the surface, this could be true, but in such perception, we ultimately begin to think little of ourselves. And once we think little of ourselves, we become unable to be happy, to constantly yearn for more while ignoring that which may be working well for us. And if we cannot love ourselves, how then can we be able to love our spouses, our children, our families?

Uhuru and Raila are not anti-corruption champions

This is why I keep saying Kenya lacks someone clean and steadfast enough to slay the dragon of corruption. We do not have any such person in our political leaders. Not in the Jubilee Coalition. And definitely not in CORD! We all know Jubilee is a corruption cartel. That's a given. We don't expect them to yap against corruption when they are its chief architects and direct beneficiaries.

CORD, on the other hand, has been known to make a lot of ruckus about the existence of corruption in the Jubilee run government. However, when the monster of corruption rears its ugly head within its ranks, all of a sudden, the public noisemakers have lost not only their voice, but hands with which to pen pieces castigating the vice. As Kidero gets deeply embroiled in the thick of 200 million shillings bribery saga, the purported anti-corruption champion that is CORD has gone dumb. No public rallies to call for his resignation. No shouting from the rooftops to call for investigations. No promises to deliver this Country from the monster of corruption!

If CORD was to believed, and if their honesty to rid this country of corruption was earnest, the obvious thing would have been to have to immediately act against Kidero even as the Supreme Court moves to act against one of their own. Because Kidero is a member of their ranks and they are in a position to institute some sort of action against him.

If the noise made by CORD was enough to send Waiguru home over allegations of corruption, what then is to stop them from acting against one of their own who is not protected by the corrupt Jubilee Coalition? However, because the party badly needs Kidero's deep pockets, I'm certain no action will be instituted against the Governor of Nairobi.

In the fight against corruption, both Uhuru Kenyatta and Raila Odinga are not genuine. The twin corruption cartels that are Jubilee and Cord are not genuine. Contrary to what the duo would like us to believe. The hyenas in these parties, including the ordinary supporters of these parties, are not genuine. Kenya, as the Chief Justice appropriately said, is a bandit economy.