My Money Syndrome: The Chasm of Selfishness Between Couples!

The story is told of Nathan who had an unwavering conviction that a husband should be solely responsible for all the financial needs of his family. His belief was so firm that he neither bothered to know his wife’s income or inquire how she spent her pay-check! Or at least that’s what he had his friends and workmates believe.

Among his colleagues, he was a figure of both admiration and bewilderment. His male friends looked at him with stupefaction every time he opened his mouth to let the world know about his belief. Somehow, he made them feel less responsible and unmanly even, in sharing financial responsibilities with their wives. To his female colleagues, Nathan was the quintessential man! They were green with envy of his wife. She must be the happiest woman, or so they thought. To have a husband who let them do as they pleased with their pay was appealing a prospect!

Similar to that of Nathan is the story of Martha. The trained nurse was also of the school of thought that it was the exclusive obligation of her husband to bear the financial burden of his family. That she was also earning was immaterial! Not only did she believe, she demanded of it of her husband. Any time she spent her ‘own’ penny to buy anything around the house; even food, she would demand for a refund from her husband as soon as he stepped through the door.

The prospect of having a husband meet all the financial obligations of the family seems enticing to some women. Many believe they would be a lot happier or love their husbands more if they had such arrangement.  As alluring as it may appear, it might not be rosy in the long run.

For starters, such arrangement undermines the basic purpose of marriage. I hold no special expertise in matters marriage. However, I know matrimony is a commitment to one another in companionship, with the aim of growing together spiritually, emotionally, physically and financially. A separate or individual financial arrangement thus negates the spirit of togetherness.

A fallacious female presupposition is that if a man meets all the financial obligations of the family alone, the couple would still make joint financial decisions on how his finances are spent. This is quite impractical. When a man does not expect or seek financial accountability from his wife, it would be irrational to expect him to be financially answerable to her in return. In an understanding like that, the message is clear; I do not ask how you spend your money, and so I don’t expect you to ask me how I spend mine!

- Money is supposed to be used to build marriage and family, not as a master. One way of doing this is handling money as partners, not as competitors -

No woman can ever feel truly happy when they do not participate in their family’s financial decision-making process. They would feel of left out, a feeling that is likely to fester into a sense of being unneeded. Think you can live with a person who seems not to need you? Think again! Quite logically, chances are the woman will start making her own secret financial arrangements. Then you end up with two people who do not necessarily need one another. What seemed appealing in the first place could be what breaks a couple.

In the long run, resentment crept in Martha’s marriage and they separated. By caving in to her demands, Mary ‘found’ her husband ‘malleable’ and ‘unmanly’. The husband himself felt like an ATM and never fought the divorce. This is a true story!

Marital experts posit that undertaking joint decisions and activities fosters togetherness and closeness in a couple. Making separate financial decisions therefore erodes this closeness that a couple is supposed to cultivate in order to nourish their union.

Basically, couples approach financial decision making in one of four ways; shared decisions, separate decisions, man-led decisions and woman-led decisions, with the first two being common.

Sharing financial responsibilities is beneficial in the long run. Studies have shown that couples who share financial decisions have been found to feel most satisfied with how they make financial decisions and most confident about achieving financial goals. On the flip side, couples who make separate decisions on finances argue most about money. Surveys have shown that money and money fights are the number one cause of divorce.

Money is a huge source of friction in marriages. As an innate an object as money is, we certainly attach great emotional significance to it. While growing up, we internalize different habitudes about money, hence the squabbles which are fairly normal.

Experts say financial disputes are usually the tip of the iceberg. Hidden underneath the surface most of the time is the real iceberg of selfishness! We all have our selfish streaks. If we had our own way, we would want to keep our money to ourselves. ‘Your money is our money and my money is mine’ expression is often coded selfishness. Mostly, we’re being selfish with our money without even realizing that we are. Money means different things to individuals. To some, it is security. It is also a source of control others. Some view it as a key for power or freedom.

But money certainly matters in relationships. Used appropriately, money can build a marriage. Wrong approach makes money a master of marriage. In the world of today, finance unfortunately is the soul of most relationships. We’re still deeply traditional; gender equity is mostly lip service.

The thinking that as the head of the house, a man is supposed to bear the burden of providing for the family alone is wrong. Our grandmothers and mothers never lazed about as our fathers and grandfathers toiled to provide. No ma'am! Sometimes, the womenfolk toiled even harder than their menfolk. And headship is not all about salary. It is about being the captain of a ship and working hard to steer it through the murky waters of life, even when one of the passengers (read wife) has an advantage (read better pay grade).