Of Doctors & Their Allergy to Bankers!!

Just before the ink could barely dry on the skeletal list of names of the four nominees to the Cabinet – out of the expected 18 nominees – fronted by the president and his deputy; and even before the plush chimneys of State House could billow out plumes of white smoke signalling the ‘eureka–ing’ of the seemingly elusive list of the remaining 14 nominees, doctors, through their professional body, rose up in arms – brandishing stethoscopes and catheters – to categorically state that under no circumstance do they intend to issue the presidents’ list of cabinet nominees a clean bill of health.

The genesis of this ill–health diagnosis by members of the Needle Wielders Association stems from the minor fact that the nominee to the Ministry of Health, one James Macharia, is not a stethoscope wielding mandarin thus incapable adorning himself up in a white dust coat to appear grandiose as the doctors themselves. You see, in the goofball estimation of the life savers, Macharia is a banker with a mathematical head for figures, figures and more figures, with no space for medical jargon; thereby rendering him devoid of the necessary expertise of dangling a stethoscope around his neck while poking the anatomy of a patient in an effort to fix a catheter. Apart from this, it is also a transgression on the part of Macharia that he does not possess the enviable art of scribbling some ineligible scrawls on a prescription pad. And this lack of ineligible handwriting, in the doctors’ judgment, renders Macharia incapable of managing the Health docket.

You see, having carried out a comprehensive medical investigation in a utopia of their own that culminated in a final diagnosis that the CEO of G4S must be a watchman while his KWS counterpart is a wild animal, and citing the personalized and haphazard management and running of health facilities at the hands of medics in a manner likely to suggest that such facilities are their personal kitchens and gardens, the good doctors have decided that only a Ben Carson protégé of this country is endowed with the prerequisite skills that would ensure continued entrenchment of the culture of poor service delivery, rampant absenteeism, general apathy to the plight of patients and a plethora of other  professional malpractices currently bedevilling the Health sector.

Now, if we are to conduct a mass brain transplant of the ordinary citizens so that we may adopt the clinical reasoning of the medics, and before other like-minded professional bodies, unions and organizations start voicing rejection of the rest of the nominees on such basis, let us attempt to patiently redistribute the cabinet slots in the manner prescribed by the docs in an endeavour to indulge their malarkey.

For starters, the Ministry of Transport and Infrastructure should automatically go to either a Makanga or a matatu driver. For it’s only a matatu driver and a tout who are intimately acquainted with practical day–to–day experiences of shuttling passengers and transporting goods on our accident prone road network while manoeuvring the snaking traffic snarl–up’s, gaping potholes and the ring–net of corrupt traffic coppers. I expect nothing short of an acute outburst of a cacophony of words laced with veiled boycott and mass protest threats from drivers and touts led by the belligerent Matatu Welfare Association head honchos. However, the infrastructure part could boggle the mind of an ordinary matatu driver so nominating the right tout with transport and construction skills is a quandary best left to H–Young, unless Jubilee opts for a Chinese driver cum tout.

It is also the reason why the Foreign Affairs Ministry should be headed by a foreigner who is more conversant with foreign matters that transpire in alien lands as opposed to a mere Kenyan whose knowledge bank does not transcend the national borders, let alone the East African territories. A foreigner is more likely to fluently and diplomatically hold conversations in foreign languages whereas a mere Kenyan would only manage a few broken foreign sentences mixed with his mother tongue under the guise of speaking Sheng – a stunted hybrid of a language that no any other alien would comprehend.

It will also be necessary to install a tourist at the Ministry of Commerce & Tourism. Doctor logic has it that it is only a tourist who has extensive knowledge and experience in the exploration of our local attraction sites by virtue of having literally spent all their holidays vacationing within the confines of our breath-taking sceneries as we plod through our dull lives completely oblivious to and ignorant of the plush heritage enveloping our immediate environ. The Commerce part of the docket requires that the said tourist must possess the acumen of a business magnate – at this juncture, the image of Arthur brothers as the suitable candidates imprints itself on the mind!

Before the vocal KNUT chairperson uses his oratorical skills in launching a verbal attack in calling for a countrywide teachers strike, the president should reconsider handing over the Ministry of Education to the chalk–breakers. It is only this clique of individuals who know a thing or two about filling up the blank and empty minds of pupils in an attempt to mould them into citizens capable of ascending to the post of cabinet secretaries if not the presidency. 

The Sports, Culture & the Arts ministry should not compound any worry as Kenya is ripe with athletes and sportsmen and women of great renown. With the likes of Dennis Oliech dribbling international soccer while David Rudisha sprints in Olympian marathons, this ministry has potential candidates galore. The only catch would be to find one with a mind for the arts and a stickler for culture and tradition.

For the Ministry of Defense, a gun–toting army commander will do. Not just any commander though. It must be a soldier with the heart of steel and the courage of a hundred Mara lions – a battle hardened individual with close combat experience obtained while engaging in the battle to actually defend the sovereignty of motherland. This is where KDF commandoes, credited with confidently marching into the hostile Somali land and casually blowing away the terroristic Al–Shabaab to smithereens. 

It goes without saying that controversial trade unionist; Dr. Francis Atwoli should by default inherit the Ministry of Labour, Social Security & Services. With unflinching penchant for letting loose cannons of words where workers plight is concerned, even the clinically sane doctors diseased with the strange malady that renders them allergic to bankers in specific and accountants in general, would give him a clean bill of health.

Finding a perfect fit for the Ministry of Agriculture, Livestock & Fisheries is likely to leave Kenyans languishing in a dilemma of Olympian proportions. It is the one docket that could precipitate a duel between humans and animals as both species jostle for the position. The fish from the shores of Lake Victoria may put up a spirited push for the crown; only to be put at a disadvantage by their inability to swim on land. Cows, goats and sheep may form a coalition of Livestock United to boost their bid for the docket but apart from their inability to walk on water, they may be accused of plotting to grace on all the maize in agricultural fields. At this juncture, fishermen from the lake are also bound to give their pastoral counterparts as well as serious farmers of the Rift Valley and Western provinces a run for this docket. A mongoloid with combined parentage from the three provinces would stand a good chance of being nominated.

For the newly minted Mining docket, we may be forced to import personnel with mining experience and skills from the South. If we are able to locate one Xuma from Peter Abraham’s novel, Mine Boy, then Kenya is likely to enrich herself from all the ores that have been hiding underneath her soil awaiting discovery. Forget one Najib Balala. Mining does not require soft, bespectacled handsome men. He has no mettle to venture in dark, long winding underground tunnels in the quest for mineral resources.

Ladies and gentlemen, in the spirit of consultation and thorough vetting process of intended nominees as require by the constitution, you may want to leave your internet connections running on this site; I’ll get back to you on the remaining list of nominees as soon as I’m through with the process.

Thank you!